Jun 5, 2015

A Little Bit of Everything #3 || Insecurity : My personal demon

Before I start this post, I'd like to say that this is going to be really personal, and it's not going to pretty.

It's never been a secret that I am insecure. I've always been open about it and even often joked about the fact both here in my blog and twitter.

But I've never told you how deep it is and how much it affected me in my pre teen years.

My insecurity is my personal demon, my worst nightmare and that one thing that made my life hell when I was younger.

And I suddenly had an urge to talk about that with you my lovely readers, and let me tell you, even though I finally did it, I am quite nervous to let this all out, as it's not going be pretty, At all.

I've always been a plain looking kid. Still am. I was a dark skinned, awkward looking nerdy girl who stammered, who was too sensitive and kept to herself and her books.

I was a bully's favourite victim, and it didn't take a lot of time to my school bullies to realize that.

This probably started when I was 9. That was the time I started to get bullied. Bullied for being too smart, bullied for not being athletic or strong, bullied for being an ugly awkward kid. And worst of all, I was bullied for having a psychological medical condition.

I've always been a weak kid. And I gradually started to have problems in my breathing, started to develop some nervous tics which appeared often and by the time I reached 6th grade, I was diagnosed with a neuro psychotic disorder called Tourette Syndrome.

I had a best friend then. I confided in her about my diagnosis, though my parents told me not to tell anyone about it because they knew that I'd get bullied for it.

I should've listened to them. Because she didn't hesitate to spread the word among all the kids in school.
And I was immediately branded as a basket case

I think I was 11 then. The bullying followed for a few years. And I was disgusted with myself. I looked at the mirror and cried for not being pretty enough. For not being interesting enough. For not being worthy enough.

 I shouted at my parents. Asked them why they gave birth to such an unworthy child. I made my wonderful parents go through hell.

They didn't know what to do. How to handle me. They approached therapy, doctors and everything they could find, and tried so hard to save their only child from her personal demons.

And then I met him

Now you guys are probably giving a sigh of relief, thinking that I finally found a guy who helped me get through this.
Sorry to burst your bubbles, because life is not a fairytale or a contemporary ya novel, I met a person who made this story even more horrifying.

I met a man who was 29 years old and started to take advantage of the insecurity of a 12 year old girl.

He was a family friend. My parents trusted him. My father confided in him. He was a sweet guy who made it a point to help the troubled girl who hated her life.

So we thought.

He talked to me. Sweetly and as time passed passionately. He empathized with my feelings. But he didn't help my insecurity, He deepened it.

He constantly reminded me that everyone thinks that I am ugly. That everyone hates me.He made me turn my back to even the friends who were genuine. He fed into my mind that no boy in the world will find me attractive, and that he'll be the only outsider who'll even think that I am interesting.

And then slowly, he started to make sexual advances towards me.

And I didn't stop him at first.

You guys might be horrified to hear this. But before you judge me, let me tell you something. I was a 13 year old insecure girl who wanted to end her life and when an adult started to pay attention to her while no one else even cared about her, she wasn't horrified. 

For the first time in her life she felt wanted by the opposite sex.

But gradually, I knew that something is wrong. The way he talked to started to sound inappropriate, I felt uncomfortable with his touches, and most of all, I started to realize that he has slowly manipulated me.

And that snapped me into reality.

I broke down, I cried. I felt even more disgusted. I confessed all of this to my parents.
And that was the first day I ever saw my father cry.

And it broke my heart to pieces,

It took me some time to get over it all. But still, I started to change. I taught myself to appreciate the simple things in life. To talk more, and befriend more people. To be more open about my feelings and opinions.

And I am proud to say that I've matured so much from the girl who I was a few years ago.

I am still insecure about my appearance, but now when I look at the mirror, I am comfortable with my own skin. I am okay with who I am. 

I used to stammer. But now I am one of the best debaters in my school.

I used to ashamed of the fact that I am a nerd. Now I proudly say that I read more than 100 books a year.

I felt like I was not wanted. Now I have wonderful friends who love me, and a platform where hundreds of people around the world read what I write everyday.

And finally,

I wanted to commit suicide. Now I want to live my life to the fullest.

And to everyone out there who's ever felt anything that I myself personally had, don't give up! You're beautiful, you're worthy and you matter. Don't let anyone make you believe anything else.

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